The rollercoaster ride

Well, it seems I haven't blogged for a while.

I'm not even sure if I'm a legit blogger.  I wish I was a blogger.  I can blog away in my head like there's no tomorrow, but to actually sit down at my laptop and bang something out that may make for semi-entertaining reading, that's a whole other story.

So what's been happening in the existence of Kate?

I've been plodding.  The rollercoaster ride continues.  One minute I'm way up there enjoying the ride, feeling the breeze in my hair, yahooing away; the next I'm careening out of control, desperately holding on tight, unsure of where I'm heading.  Confused?  So am I.

These two monkeys keep me grounded though.  And they're usually doing the yahooing for me.

Blog-therapy

Why start a blog?  Why did I start a blog??

T.H.E.R.A.P.Y.

I needed to make sense of my mind's ramblings.
I needed an outlet.

Somewhere where I could be semi-anonymous, where I could be angry, sad, happy, up, down, whatever I wanted, and it didn't matter.

I read and follow a bunch of other blogs, and find myself sympathising, empathising, laughing, crying, hoping...

I don't mind if I don't get "followed".  For now, this blog is for me and my muddled little head.  When I ask a question in a blog post, it is a question to my own muddled little head.

And I just so happen to get an answer most of the time!

What I did on "THE" day

What did I end up doing on the day I was meant to get married?

I kept myself VERY busy!  And others helped keep me busy too.

- I did 5 loads of washing.
- I had a delicious lunch with my beautiful Mum and sister.
- I did the grocery shopping.
- I got a bunch of lovely emails and text messages from awesome friends letting me know they were thinking of me.
- I went out to dinner with a dear friend at a delicious local Vietnamese restaurant and ate so much soft shell crab I thought I would pop.

The day has passed now and I feel oh so much better for it.  It doesn't bother me to think that I should now be a married woman.  Marriage never really meant as much to me as a loving, committed relationship does.

We're working on the latter.  I have my moments, I have my days.  Sometimes I look at him and remind myself of how much I love him, other times I look at him and don't like him very much at all.

Yet again, only time will tell.  Will time tell?

The wedding week that was to be...

This was meant to be the wedding week.  Until it wasn't.
3 weeks ago, the wedding that I had only spent a mere few weeks planning, was cancelled.  Or postponed - who knows yet.
I cancelled it.  Pulled the pin.  I had to.

Finally an admission to his gambling addiction.
Finally an end to my self doubt.

The wedding that was finally happening, wasn't.

Time will tell if he gets his shit together.

Time will tell if I can ever trust him again.

Time will tell if there will ever be a wedding.

So what the eff will I do on Friday instead of get married?

So where's the me?

So where's the me in any of this?
Selfish, aren't I?

But really, when does it get to be about me?
It's all about him and his problems and how they came about, why they came about....

So far no solutions, no hope, no me, just him. 

I'm tired of the him.  I'm not sure if I have the energy or the courage or the drive to attempt to get through this.  I don't even remember what the us was ever about, so I have nothing to strive for here.  No better place to get back to.

My better place at the moment is with my amazing friends.
With them it's about me.  I love you girls xo

Intuition

Why didn't I trust it?
I trusted him but not myself, when it should've been in the reverse.

Why didn't I listen to that voice?
I listened to his and his web of lies when I didn't listen to my own calm, inner voice.

Why?

Don't follow me, I'm lost too

Remember that old bumper sticker?  Or was it an 80's t-shirt?

Reason for the title of this post?

I don't want to be followed.  I haven't started this blog to be followed.  I'm actually not sure why I've started it.  Seemed like a good idea at the time I guess.

I want to sort out my thoughts, launch my ideas into cyberspace and out of my head where they'll soon be forgotten and replaced.

I don't care if noone is reading or listening or caring. 

My head is lighter and that's all that counts for me.